My introversion(?) may kill me

I’m not sure if I wrote about this before. I want to set up a philosophy bookshop. I am after all a philosophile. The shop will be filled with philosophy books and essays, classics and modern ones, and some other things – handbound notebooks, journals, etc. I see sunlight streaming down through the window pane and people sitting in comfortable temperature reading and having discussions about ideas. 

I’ve scouted some places, including a ground floor unit that’s surrounded by forest-y nature. The rent is quite affordable too. I mean, it’s a fifth of my salary which I think I can spare. 

My problem is people. Right. How oh how am I going to run a place when I don’t really want people around? The thing is, I would love to have people around if they’d engage in conversations. Meaningful conversations.

What I don’t want to have to deal with are the crazies. Crazies scare me. If they stand outside the shop and just stare in, I think I’ll flip out. If they come in and do weird things, I’ll flip out. I’ve seen crazies before. Not funny at all. They may not be violent and I’m sure they have their problems but they unsettle me. 
Aside from the crazies I’m afraid of the Unreasonable Customer. There’s bound to be a number of those. These make me want to slam something over their heads. 

I do not have anger issues; I can keep my emotions in check. Usually I let them wash over me and then I’m fine. I’m worried that I will not be able to do that, and I’m worried that when I flip out, I will really flip out. 

I don’t think I’ll actually turn violent; I’m not the sort. I think it’s the fear of losing control of something as basic as my emotions that have been with me my whole life. How do people lose control like that?

But I am existentially afraid I’ll lose it. And this not-wanting-to-get-into-this-scenario-in-the-first-place is holding me back from this project. 

I know what I can do, and I know what I won’t do, but I’m afraid of losing control and that when I do, it’ll be unsalvageable because my sense of self will be altered. 

I think it’s my introversion, because I’m not used to this sort of interaction. But this could be something else altogether. I would like to think I’d be like a cucumber but I’m sure we all like to think of ourselves as more capable, competent, composed than we are. 

Have to sit on this and mull it over. 


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