Lately I have

I’ve been feeling a need to move out of my current work cycle. I want to start my non-profit but the funding bit has gotten me a little bugged out.

The problem with getting funding from others is that there’s always a price to pay. And that price, in this case, will probably be the direction. I have funds, just not enough. I know what people say about being brave and all that. They say that because they’ve succeeded. Or they have support from some rich network. Or they have nothing to lose. Or they are idealists. I’m not an idealist. I have things to lose. I don’t have a rich or emotionally supportive network. I don’t want to be out in the streets. Also, it might be easier to be a man out in the streets than a woman, even if it’s metaphorical. I’ve been fortunate that I’ve not owed anyone anything, except my parents. That’s a debt I can’t repay.

Rent here is crazy expensive for commercial property ($5000 for 110sqm in an accessible location!) and although I can cleave a portion of my income to foot it, I don’t want that feeling of being tied to my job to do this other thing. There was some report out about how installments for some people on their condominiums is like 60% of their income. They may be comfortable with that but to me, it means I can’t afford to make any mistakes at work. That’s… suffocating.

So maybe I have to rethink this. Or go use some crowdfunding site. There are some cafés that charge people by the minute. So I suppose on Kickstarter I can sell yearly memberships to get funding started. But people feel entitled when that happens. I’m not sure that’s a good thing for retail. What I’m doing, though, is not a café. It’s something that I hope won’t attract the attention of rowdy crowds. It’s a place well suited for introverts and writers and readers, who will bring at most two quiet friends and stay for a bit to work and write and read.

Then there’s the question of putting my face out there, social anxiety and all, if I want funds. So I guess I’m not going that way either.

I’ve thought about doing a podcast on teaching, since I’ve been doing that for close to two decades. Then again, I have a recognizable way of speaking. And I’m sure some parents will identify me. Not sure I want that either.

It seems like I don’t really want this thing, but I do. I just want my privacy more, I guess. And my peace of mind. And not to owe anyone.

At the same time, I almost feel driven to do this. It’s not a calling, and I wouldn’t dare say it is, as if I’ll do any real good with it. But I think I can do some good, and I think some people need it. This push-pull has been plaguing me the better part of recents years. Years.

It’s back to replanning for now. I read with envy how this guy in US bought an old bank building for $1 and made it a library (it’s not that simple of course – he did other things and the refurbishing would cost a ton) and I wish there were buildings I could buy like that here. I’m sure other people think so too.

So back to planning. Maybe I’ll start with the reading circles. But how to get readers? Right. Social media.

Shudder.

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