Time to myself

Today is one of those truly rare days. Today, I have time to myself. And it was only because my graphic card has given up on my computer system. Had my system been working, I would have skipped off to the world of Skyrim, traversing the vast landscape there in search for some adventure.

But there’s adventure to be had here too, in the solitary moments in the witching hours of the night. When I play Skyrim or any computer game for that matter, it might seem like that is having time to myself. But really, when you’re in character, you almost feel like you’re living another life, and that your mind is busy occupying that digital body. I never feel truly rested when I play games, especially RPG. It is for leisure, but it hardly is leisurely.

And it’s not just the gaming bit. The past few days I’ve spent reinstalling Skrim because 1) the game was beginning to feel funny due to my massive installation of mods, and 2) I’d just got the legendary edition which comprises Skyrim and the three DLCs. Before that, however, I’ve clocked 750+ hours on Skyrim already, and many more in its predecessor, Oblivion. I have a compulsive streak and feel compelled to perfect the mod installations, and my games. It’s not really escapism if it’s still work, is it? Maybe it is because it’s away from other-work.

But today I can’t do anything with my computer. Thankfully this is not the same one the new installation is in or I’ll probably want to buy a graphic card right here and now! The Guy is not around either so I don’t feel like my time has to be taken up. (He’s at his own home. Our arrangement is strange that way, but it works.) It sounds like I mind his presence. I don’t. In fact I love his presence, but there’s something about being alone that’s irreplaceable. My parents (yes, that’s a special arrangement too) and cats are asleep so I’m free to do as I please. So I’m alone-alone with nothing much to do for the longest time in a long while, and it’s only been 3 hours.

I find that it’s this aloneness that enables me to write, or to really think. The chatter of daily life is too much for me to attempt to consolidate my thoughts. I could do it, though, but I run the risk of really closing myself off. That’s not such a bad thing in itself, but loved ones may feel… ignored. Still, I like my peace and quiet. It allows me pause.

Maybe I can start to continue writing my book. Finally.

Maybe I’ll go for a jog later. Alone.

Maybe I’ll do some HIIT that’s really intensive but that would mean stomping around and my downstairs-neighbour would probably wake.

Suddenly, I feel I can learn and do a lot more things.

I love the night.

I love being alone at night.

I would like it my computer were working fine, but it’s just a graphic card and easily replaceable.

I love being surrounded by quiet.

Today I love it.